Robo Vampire, part 2


ROBO VAMPIRE A Review by 0kelvin back to reviews
BACK TO PART ONE

Okay, so when we last left our robotic friend, after watching a few of his fellow anti-drug agents get shot with smoke and bottle rockets and die, he decided it would be a good time to come out of the bushes and ambush the bad guys. Of course, at the speed this guy walks, he could have come running ten minutes before this scene started and only just made it out of the bushes. Well, RoboTed (I came across another review of this movie, and they called him RoboTom too, and I hate being unoriginal, so I will no longer call him that), and Peter get into a firefight, which basically consists of them both standing in one spot, showing a shot of RoboJohn firing his gun, then a shot of Peter shooting smoke out of his sleeves, then repeating those shots four or five times each until Peter falls down and starts slowly barrel-rolling along the ground. Because it's really hard to get back up when your hands are always sticking straight out and your feet don't come apart. RoboEdward keeps firing at him and missing, even though Peter's moving along the ground about as fast as a log. Through the marvels of cinematic wizardry, Peter disappears! And RoboHans keeps firing at the same spot for like a minute. You know that target practice scene earlier? I really think they should have kept him doing that for a little longer before sending him out into the field.
	RoboKen checks out his fallen comrades, then radios in and calls for a medical chopper. Also, when he calls in, he identifies himself as Robo Warrior, but you know, I have a feeling that's not what they named him, it's just a cool nickname he's hoping will catch on. Next, it goes to a boat floating down a river. That Kull guy from way back in the beginning of the movie and a bunch of other guys peek out from behind some rocks and start shooting at the boat. The boat's occupants jump out of the boat and behind the cover of a small plant. But I figure they're safe, the dozen or so guys firing at them with machine guns can't even hit the river, let alone a plant. Then half the guys shooting at them fall over dead, and the other half (which I could swear are played by the same guys as the dead half) decide to take the best course of action when you're being shot at. They hop into a boat and float out into the safety of the middle of the river. They explode. A bunch of stuff happens and it turns out the guy shooting them is a friend of the guys in the boat. Which I think are the guys that were hired to rescue Sophie. Speaking of Sophie...
We go back to where Sophie is being held hostage, and her nefarious captors are using the ancient dreaded Chinese Water Torture (which could explain why her hair was wet earlier). Except, they forgot one kind of important element. They didn't do anything to stop her from moving her head. So really, their torture is nothing more than a really slow shower. The guy seems very confident that this will have her begging for death in no time, while she just screams "No!" over and over and over. Also, she swings her head around a lot. The guys who are supposed to be rescuing Sophie and their friend Andy sit around for a little while looking at a picture of Sophie and talking about how ugly she's going to be when they find her. Then they desperately try to add some development to these wholly unnecessary characters by hinting at some history with the vampire doctor, but I really don't care in the least.
	Next we see some guys in a jeep pull up to a crowd. They stand up and look around. One of them, wearing a really fruity outfit, points and says, "Looks like Bill's over there." Then the guy next to him says, "Yeah, having a bit of an arm wrestling contest! Hehehehe," like it was a really clever euphemism for something dirty. He really seemed proud of himself for coming up with that one, but Bill really is just having an arm wrestling contest. Who the hell Bill is is an entirely different subject, though. Luckily, the guy that was hired to save Sophie (Who I will call Sonny from now on, for no reason in particular) decided to take a break from his rescuing duties to watch the local arm wrestlers for a little while, and while he's there, he takes a look at the tattoo on the back of the arm wrestler's hand. Why, it's the same tattoo as the one on the hand of the guy in the photo of Sophie! Isn't that handy! Get it? The tattoo was on his hand, and I said it was handy! It's a pun. Well, Sonny attacks the guy with the tattoo, they push each other around, get into a knifefight, Sonny wins, and threatens to cut Tattoo's throat if he doesn't tell him where Sophie is. As he's marching him off, the guys in the jeep pull out their machine guns and start firing. Luckily, Sonny thought ahead and had snipers set up in the trees and in some roof. I guess it pays to be prepared, even when you're just going out to watch a local sporting event.
For some reason, Sonny marches his hostage out into the woods by a river. I have no idea where they're going, but apparently they've been walking for some time, because Tattoo is complaining that he needs a rest. Sonny asks him where they're keeping Sophie, Tattoo tells him he doesn't know, then Sonny pulls the old Pretend-to-believe-him-then-kick-him-in-the-face-when-his-guard-is-down trick. He beats on him for a couple minutes, then some girl shows up and tells him not to kill him, or they'll never find Sophie. It turns out the girl is Wendy, Andy's little sister, adding yet another totally unnecessary character to this irrelevant subplot. We finally go back to RoboWhoever on a beach, just strolling along with his lopsided goggles. Even Robotic Anti-Drug Agents need a little Me-Time every now and then. But of course, those evil drug dealers won't let him have it. He's just walking along, when all of a sudden his path is blocked by A WALL OF FLAME!! Oh no! However will the guy covered in armor make it across a two foot tall fire to get to the other side which he has no reason to go to anyway?! By sinking underneath the sand and coming out the other side of course! It's great, as he's climbing out of his hole, he makes these hilarious robotic grunting noises, and as he's walking away, there's no fire to be seen at all. Don't think that's the last of the drug dealers' schemes. No, they also left a little present in the form of vampire land mines! Instead of exploding, a vampire comes out of the ground!
	A fight scene ensues, where the vampires gain many new abilities beyond their usual hopping, and hopping really high. There's on that does a somersault, one that does a bunch of cartwheels for no apparent reason, and one that tries to strangle him. They manage to tackle him and knock his gun away. They pile on top of him, but he pushes them off. RoboHead gets up, and seeing his gun lying a foot or two away from him decides to use the force and it flies into his hand. The vampires form a ring around him and start to tease him. He fires at them, and like every single other bullet in this entire movie, doesn't hit a goddamned thing. He takes care of them one way or another, and the drug dealers decide to just shoot a rocket at him. He explodes. Or rather, a scarecrow made of tin foil explodes.
Is this the end of RoboMan? God I hope so, this review is getting tiring. But no! Our friend at the Anti-Drug Agency, gets on his radio and tells whoever might be listening, "Emergency! Save the robot at once!" And that's the scene. We go back to, you guessed it, the hospital room! Tom's deathplace and RoboDude's birthplace. Also, RoboDude's soon-to-be rebirthplace. Which would make it Tom's rerebirthplace. The doctor pulls back the sheet and says, "He short-circuited" No, you idiot, he fucking exploded! What the hell is a doctor doing fixing a robot anyway? Our friend with the beard (sans his camo outfit, probably had to be returned to the costume shop) plays with a dial and says, "It's not that serious." He pulls out his tools and goes to work. Not only do they try to pass off a 50 cent sparkler off as a welder, they actually show them lighting it! Beardy pulls out a screwdriver, poses with it, then screwdrives nothing in particular. The other Anti-Drug agent walks in and asks how it's going and he gives him the A-Okay sign. He is also not wearing his camo, lending credibility to my rental costume theory. Or maybe it's just casual Friday. Beardy plays with some more dials in the next room on a machine that is in no way connected to RoboGuy, and they magically bring him back to life. Sadly, we are not treated to yet another shot of the flashing plus sign machine assuring us he is indeed alive.
	A bunch of guys drive up to a market in a jeep (most likely the same jeep that everyone in this entire movie drives) and start causing a ruckus. They kick boxes and make general troublemaking grunting noises. They go up to two guys sitting at a table and try to steal their drinks. The guys don't like this and the troublemakers ask them who they are. The guys respond with "We're two of the meanest fuckers around, that's who!" Seeing as they're the only two fuckers besides the troublemakers around, I guess they're technically right. There's a big fight scene, but since I have no idea who any of these guys are, I can't tell who wins. I'm guessing the mean fuckers. Some more guys come and start shooting at them, then Andy and Sonny and some other guys come and shoot the guys shooting at those guys. They take off in their jeep. The guys that were shooting at the guys, not the guys shooting at the guys shooting at the guys. Andy and his guys go somewhere and come across a hell of a lot of dead people. There's really nothing more to it than that. I really have no idea what the point of this scene was.
All of a sudden the guy with the Tattoo on his hand is on their side and is leading them to where Sophie is being held. They even gave him a gun and everything. I wish they'd let us know when something like this happens. Anyway, he lets them know that they aren't far now, even though they're about twenty feet away from the compound and can all plainly see that. Okay, next Andy shoots a kid, and then Tattoo tells them all about how Dr. Vampire doesn't give a damn about human life. Then they walk off. Then we go to a woman bathing in a river. Sonny walks up and starts spying on her. She catches him and he tells her she should bathe more often. Believe me, that line never works. He decides to take off his clothes and jump in with her. The girl may or may not be Andy's little sister Wendy. Is it just me, or weren't they just watching Andy shoot a kid in the middle of the bad guy's compound like a minute and a half ago? I'm glad they took the time to bathe in a river before rescuing Sophie. Also, I think Wendy has a really hairy ass.
	Just when you thought we forgot entirely about Peter and the ugly white girl's ghost, they return in all their gorilla-masked, see-through dress glory! They stare at each other and don't really do anything for a couple minutes, then they start doing whatever this is. I think this might be how the undead have sex. Or maybe they do it just like regular people do. RoboAss, being the bastard that he is, decides to storm their honeymoon. He points his gun at them, and Ghost-chick says, "Don't kill us, we love each other! Well, you can kill us, but wait until our love is consummated." Even RoboJerk's cold steel heart could not help but be melted just the littlest bit by the sheer romance of these words. The world goes fuzzy, signaling the sappy flashback. Tom and his wife are happily making out in a field somewhere, when all of a sudden she gets up and storms off. He chases her (apparently all the way into a city with no field to be seen) and she says "As long as you're a cop, I don't want to see you again!" I guess it was one of those spur of the moment divorces. In the middle of making out she just decided she didn't like cops. We go back to present day, and I guess Peter and Ghost-chick used the time while he was flashbacking to leave, because they're nowhere to be seen.
RoboJoe decides to leave too, and as he's walking down the stairs, Ghost-Chick comes out of nowhere and starts twirling like crazy. RoboLenny doesn't seem interested, and just keeps going. Ghost-Chick sends some toilet paper down the stairs after him. The TP ties itself around his legs and she gives it a good yank. He goes flying, then a man wearing Ghost-Chick's dress flies to the other side of the room. Then Peter appears and starts pushing RoboWoman around while yelling like an old lady. A badly choreographed fight ensues between all three of them, and right in the middle of the fight, RoboHorse just disappears or something, because he's not there anymore and nobody seems to be fighting. Peter and Ghost-Chick share a touching moment where they do that hand thing again and there's a shot of a coffin for no particular reason. Once again we go back to Sonny and the gang. Sonny and Wendy are being chased by Kull and a gang of drug dealers. How they were found and what the hell is going on isn't bothered to be explained. I really think this studio was editing two different movies at the same time, and they accidentally spliced parts of the two together. That means that somewhere out there, there is a movie that, on it's own, also makes no sense whatsoever, but combined with this one, explains perfectly why all this is happening. And that, my friends, is the true holy grail.
	Anyways, they're being chased by drug dealers. They almost get shot, but luckily they were able to jump behind some of this movie's famous bulletproof plants. They are chased through some woods, and manage to hijack one of those hanging things that the name of has slipped my mind. For some reason, it stops halfway across. Kull looks up and sees them above him, thinks for a second, then tells the guy with the rocket launcher to shoot them. It explodes. But as you can see, Sonny and Wendy manage to jump out and land in a river that's in the same spot Kull and his gang were standing in just a second ago. They swim to shore and start laughing at their good fortune, clearly oblivious to the guy standing right next to them. It's the guy in the fruity outfit from earlier. He points his gun at them and says, "Let me tell you that nobody ever escapes from me!" I figure this surely means that they will escape from him, forcing him to eat his own bitter words. But I guess he was telling the truth, because they don't escape from him. They end up getting tied to chairs and subjected to the same Chinese Water Torture as Sophie.
Finally Andy and Reformed Tattoo and the gang show up again. But they are not alone. As they walk through the woods surrounding the compound where Sophie and Sonny and Wendy are being held, they are followed by none other than Kull! For a powerful drug lord with hundreds of people and an army of vampires working for him, he really seems to do a lot of his own dirty work. I guess he enjoys the kind of high you can't get from drugs, the feeling of a job well done. At least, he seems very proud with himself. We go back to Sonny being tortured by the leaky pipes above him. The camera is all shaky and fuzzy, and you can hear a heartbeat in the background, signifying either Sonny's battle against succumbing to the torture, or his transformation into an undead zombie who wants to eat your brain. Or maybe the cameraman was drunk. Then Sonny realizes the water isn't dripping anymore. Some random woman came to the rescue! He proceeds to practically yell out "Who are you?!" She tells him to be quiet and he tries his darndest to act casual. The woman unties him and Wendy, but hears someone coming, and runs off after telling them to pretend to be tied up. One of the guards (none of which wear shirts, by the way) walks up and is extremely amused by the fact they are indeed tied up. That is, until he notices the water has stopped. He runs into the hut and gets kicked in the face by Sonny. There's another fight scene. Anytime a woman hits him, he pretends not to notice, showing that he believes they are very weak. That is, until Wendy gouges his fucking eyes out! He sits in the corner screaming as Sonny, Wendy and the random woman escape.
	Once again, we join Andy and his crew. They ambush a bunch of guys walking through the bushes, but fail to notice the fortified building with the big machine gun set up out front. Andy's crew sit behind no cover whatsoever and proceed to dodge every bullet by sitting in one place. Then they shoot every one of the bad guys. They run up to the building, and one overeager member acts a little hasty and gets himself dead. Everyone seems very devastated by this loss, but I have no idea who the guy was or if he was even in the movie before this scene. The other anonymous guy on the team seems hellbent on revenge, so he grabs a grenade from a sack, then climbs onto the roof. He rolls it down into the gunner's nest that took out his friend, then sits on the roof triumphantly, a clear target to everybody in the entire base. Somebody comes up behind him and puts him in a headlock. But luckily the good guy turns him into a dummy and throws him off the roof! Then there's a good old-fashioned shootout. Sonny shows up to help, the guy on the roof fights off a couple other guys who didn't bother to bring their guns with them, Tattoo gets shot, Sonny shoots the guy who shot Tattoo (as well as four other guys before they even enter the room), and generally lots of bad guys die.
It goes to Sophie wandering around in a daze. How she escaped and why she's acting like this is also not explained at all. I really have to get my hands on that other movie. Sonny finds her and leaves her with Wendy and that other woman (who appears to be the only woman at the base who wasn't a prisoner, who the hell she is and what she's doing there is also not explained). A bunch more bad guys die, then they take the rest prisoner. They leave the place, but not before setting up explosives and blowing the hell out of the place. Although, the place was already pretty much ruins, and the explosives don't seem to do anymore damage than knocking over a tree. Except I think the guys left their prisoners inside to die, because they're nowhere to be seen. Once again we go to Kull, who seems to have been following Andy's crew just for the sheer fun of it. This time, he's having a chat with the vampire doctor guy. Just in case you forgot, there are vampires in this movie. Kull tells him he needs his help in restoring his empire since apparently those ruins out in the middle of nowhere were somehow vitally important to his drug trade. The doctor tells him he will help, but first they must get rid of that Robo Warrior! As if on cue, Robo Warrior steps into the room. He must have been hiding in there for hours, trying not to giggle, waiting for someone to mention his name so he could make an impressive entrance. He shoots a couple guys, then tells another couple guys to drop their weapons in 15 seconds. That seems like a pretty leisurely time window to put down a gun. Then, just to make sure they know when 15 seconds is up, he begins counting down in his high pitched robotic voice. When he gets to 11, Peter appears and punches his shoulder!
	Before Robo Weiner has a chance to react, Peter leaps onto a rooftop and disappears. Then he appears on a another rooftop and starts his cheap fireworks trick. Robo Wanker can't seem to figure out where the bottle rocket after bottle rocket is coming from. This goes on for a little while, then Peter divebombs toward Robo Meister. But Peter isn't the only one with tricks up his sleeve (no literally, that's where they stuff the bottle rockets). Robo Whiner pulls out his heretofore unseen ability to fly! He's goddamned flying! Truly one of the greatest cinematic moments ever put to film. That is, except for the next one where Peter swats him down with a frigging humongous hand! Peter smacks him around a little, then he either jumps or is smacked up onto a roof. And he drops his gun at some point. Robo Weirdo beats up some vampire that jumped out a window at him, then goes back to fighting Peter. But the other vampire joins back in and they gang up on him! They play their little Ring Around The Robot game, he kicks them both, then is all of a sudden holding his gun again. Then he walks off, giving us an extreme closeup of his crotch.
We go to a happy couple muttering nonsense to each other on a bridge. They embrace in a loving kiss, only to be interrupted by Peter, who pops up and growls at them. Robo Winner shows up, although I'm not sure where. It shows a few shots of him standing around some place. Then they repeat the Peter interrupting a kiss scene again with a different couple. Only this time instead of screaming like a girl, the man faints. And the woman just sits there with her eyes closed waiting for the kiss as Robo Wil Wheaton walks on by. She didn't show any signs of opening those eyes either. I think she may have fallen asleep. Robo Waffle finally catches up with Peter in the middle of a crowded (read: 4 extras) market. What follows is the best non-car chase scene ever. Robo Wisenheimer uses his super slow robot walk to chase after Peter hopping like a madman. It's amazing. Not only that, but he chases him down a tunnel that's like a quarter mile long. And they show them go the entire distance. Once Peter reaches the end of the tunnel, Robo Wafer remembers he has a gun. Peter realizes he's about to be shot, so he does what any of us would do. He jumps onto the ground and barrel rolls down a ramp. Halfway down, he runs into some ladies' feet. He grabs two of the ladies as hostages. Robo Wizard lowers his gun and thinks for a second, then decides he's going to shoot anyway. What the hell, eh? Peter sees he's going to shoot and drops the two ladies and turns around. Why? The hell if I know. He gets shot in the back nine or ten times, then teleports away. Why all the hostage taking and barrel-rolling if you're bulletproof and can teleport?
	Now both of them are in an entirely different part of town, and Peter is hucking exploding lanterns at Robo Waddler from a balcony. Robo Wacko shoots the balcony twice. It explodes. Peter kicks Robo Walmart through a door and he returns by hitting him in the face with his gun. All of a sudden there are four vampires surrounding Robo Waldo. It doesn't really matter what happens, except that one gets kicked and pukes all over the place. Then it shows a shot of a bunch of worms. I think they wanted us to think that's what he threw up, although it was obviously not what came out of his mouth. The other vampires are taken care of one way or another (such as being thrown into a third story window, or being crushed by giant styrofoam pillars). Then, the real dramatic music starts up. Music that can mean only one thing... the return of RACING! He shoots Robo Wussy from up wherever he's standing. Robo Whatever turns around and shoots RACING!, but we all know he didn't really die. Like Boba Fett, I'm sure revisionists have figured some way for him to survive.
Next, we go to Mr. Doctor just walking around, minding his own business, when out of nowhere shoots some toilet paper! He gets swung around the room a few times before it breaks and he falls to the floor. Our ugly ghost friend comes out with an umbrella, which she uses to swordfight the doctor with. After a minute or two of fighting, he throws his sword at the umbrella, and they both just float there while the sword shoots sparks at the umbrella, setting it on fire. Ghost-Chick doesn't like this so she rips off her shirt. The doctor cannot stand the naked ugliness. He smears some blood on her chest and she starts crying, then evaporates. Robo Wanda is still walking down that same neighbourhood, when Peter comes flying out of nowhere at him! Also, the doctor guy is somehow here now too. He tells Robo... uhhh... Robo W... crap, I'm out. Whatever. He tells Robo Warrior that he's going to die now and he summons four vampires. Don't get me wrong, I may not be an evil vampire doctor or anything, but that plan hasn't exactly worked in the past. Why not try summoning five or maybe six vampires? Not only did he only summon four vampires, he summoned vampires that are strangely vulnerable to bullets. One bullet seemed to clear each of them up real good. All the while he's killing vampires, Peter's shooting him with bottle rockets, but he really doesn't seem to care. He just stands there. I think the guy playing him might have snuck out of the suit somehow.
	The doctor guy tries to cast some sort of spell, possibly to make Peter stronger, or possibly to get him the hell out of this movie. Either way, he doesn't get a chance to finish it because Ghost-Chick shows up and scratches his face. He dies from it somehow. Seriously, I've had kittens scratch me harder than that. Robo Warrior sees the doctor die and decides to use his gun as a flamethrower to take care of Peter. He sets him on fire, or rather, he sets a shirt hanging from a string on fire. You can actually see the string catch on fire. Robo Warrior takes this time to walk off screen, as the movie ends.

Over the course of reviewing this movie, I've learned a few things about it. First of all, whoever wrote the blurb on the back of the box didn't even watch the movie. It says (spelling and punctuation errors are the box's): Narcotics Agent Tom Wilde is given a second chance at life after being shot and killed. In a futuristic experiment, agent Wilde is returned to life as an Android Robot. He is sent on a very dangerous mission into the depths of the Golden Triangle to rescue Sophie a beautiful undercover agent who has been captured by the evil drug warlord Mr. Young and his inhuman creation the Vampire Beast. In a climactic battle, Tom must use all his robotic powers to defeat the savage drug lord and his monstrous blood-sucking creation! First of all, Tom wasn't shot and killed. He was killed by a vampire. Second of all, he doesn't get sent to rescue Sophie. In fact, I'm pretty nobody even mentions the name Sophie within a five mile radius of him. As far as I remember, nobody said anything about a Golden Triangle. Lastly, Tom doesn't defeat the savage drug lord, and not once in the movie does his creation (which wasn't his creation at all) suck blood. And really, why is it that on b-movies such as this, they tell you the ending right on the box? The second thing I've learned is that nobody knows who was in this movie. The names in the credits at the beginning of the movie (there are none at the end) don't match the ones on the box, and neither of them match the ones at imdb.com. A few names match, but mostly they don't. I'm going to go by the ones at imdb though, because according to them Denis Lawson was in it. That's right, the one and only Wedge Antilles, and uncle to Ewan MacGregor. He might be this guy. But really, it was just this one shot of him, stuck in there for no real reason. Hell, it could've just been some stock footage of him sitting around they decided to splice in. Also, the guy who played Wang Chi in Big Trouble in Little China is supposed to be in it, but I'll be damned if I could find him. I could pick one of a hundred and fifty guys from this movie and you wouldn't know any different. Then again, maybe they all are the same guy. The third thing I've learned is to never, ever, under any circumstances, review a movie scene by scene. My god this thing took long. But really, I couldn't cut anything if I wanted. It'd be like trying to kill one of my own children. Every scene in this movie is every bit as senseless and hilarious as the next. Well, that's about it. I give this movie an enthusiastic 37 Gold Balls! That's 54 metric Gold Balls! Not too shabby if I do say so myself. I hope I was able to add a little bit of sunshine to your boring, pointless consumer existence with this review.
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