Robo Vampire


ROBO VAMPIRE A Review by 0kelvin back to reviews
You know when you're watching a movie and you say to yourself, "You know what would be cool here?" Yeah, well, I think somebody was listening to you, took every one of your ideas and made it into this movie. Needless to say, this is quite possibly the best movie ever made. In fact, I hate doing this as my first review, because I know there is no way in hell I will ever in a million years top it. That's right folks, it's all downhill from here. I might as well just call this entire site "A review of Robo Vampire" and then never update it again. I also know that as it stands, there's no way my mediocre writing skills could possibly do this review justice. So really, doing this review is basically the biggest mistake I've ever made, and I'm doomed for failure. But hey, at least you guys get a little bit of precious entertainment. ENJOY!
Yes, that is a painting of Robocop on the cover. That means their target demographic were people who were not only stupid enough to think this was a Robocop movie, but also big enough fans of Robocop to buy it. Or people that write cynical movie reviews on their shitty websites.	I was at Wal Mart looking at the old Jet Li movies, trying to decide which one to buy, when I see this gem sitting on a shelf for $3.88. As you can see by the cover, there was no possible way not to buy this movie. 3 dollars and 88 cents for a movie with a painting of Robocop putting a vampire in a headlock on the front! These kinds of deals only come by once in a lifetime! This movie truly has something for fans of every movie genre, kung-fu, science fiction, horror, snuff, crime drama, porn, and especially B. Let me tell you, I was not disappointed in my purchase at all. Also, I bought Ghostbusters on DVD. You haven't lived until you've seen the Stay Puft Marshallow Man stomp through the streets of New York in crystal-clear widescreen.
The movie starts with two white guys in army fatigues leading an asian guy at gunpoint. For some reason (I have a feeling you'll be hearing that phrase quite a few times over the course of this review), they stop right next to a coffin. They stand there doing nothing for a couple seconds, then one of the army guys kicks the lid of off the coffin and sees it's too dark to actually see what's inside. I'm assuming there was a vampire in there. So he goes to another coffin, puts his face inches away from the crack, and pushes the lid open. A snake slowly slides out! The army guy falls backwards from the fright and proceeds to shoot the snake. Then someone throws another snake out of the coffin and it lands on the ground. The guy on the ground backs up and accidentally knocks the lid loose on another coffin, which then starts blowing smoke all over the place. The other army guy shoots the snake in half. The guy on the ground gets up, and puts his hand on the coffin he knocked open. A hand grabs his wrist and pulls his arm into the coffin! He manages to get free, then manages to fall over yet again. The coffin blows open revealing the first of many, many vampires we are to see!
The army guy shoots the vampire a couple times, but gets tackled by the asian guy they were pointing their guns at earlier. Then the vampire hops toward him and grabs him by the neck. That's right, I guess I should mention these vampires hop. That's their only way of getting around. Also, they don't seem to drink blood, and they're all dressed like Jackie Chan in Shanghai Noon. And they all have crap smeared on their faces. I'll teach you more about these vampires later, let's get back to what's going on with our army guys. Okay, the one guy's been strangled and has died with his tongue pushed as far out of his mouth as it will go. Army Guy #2 is kicking the shit out of the asian guy. Then the vampire puffs some smoke out of his mouth and leaps (I suppose they can also leap) into the air and tackles Army Guy #2. A fight ensues until Army Guy #2 realizes he's fighting a vampire, then shits his pants in terror! The vampire grabs him a bites a big chunk of raw meat out of his neck, the only vampire-like thing anyone will do in this entire movie.
	After this, we are shown a boat being unpacked. It turns out the cargo is drugs! Instead of packing it onto a truck or something, they have a dozen guys each carrying a box through the countryside. They are ambushed by some more army guys and they all just start running. The army guys take care of them. Even though you can plainly see there's no water anywhere around, it cuts to the boat leaving, then shows one of the army guys watching it leave. So, these army guys are apparently some sort of anti-drug force. I suppose army fatigues were the cheapest thing the costume store had. Next, it goes to this shady looking guy with a 70's hairdo and glasses. I think his name is Kull. He starts going on about stopping Tom, the anti-drug agent, who I think is the guy who watched the boat leave. He tells his two henchman that he has hired a doctor to train vampires to deal with him. His henchmen don't seem to find any problem with this whatsoever.
Next we go to some sort of basement where another one of Kull's henchmen, Ken, is looking after some vampires with paper taped to their foreheads. He starts throwing money at them, then soup. He accidentally throws some on his partner, Tony, who is holding a chicken in a bowl. He starts stuffing drugs into coffins, which wakes up the vampires inside. Then one of the vampires with the papers on their faces steals the guy's cigarette. Then Ken goes to light a torch or something, and as he's pressing his groin against the vampire's face, his crotch gets a nasty burn from the cigarette and he falls. Then the chicken floats out of the bowl and two vampires jump out of coffins and throw something into the two guys' mouths. A hilariously bad fight scene ensues, well I wouldn't exactly call it a fight, more like two guys trying not to get their asses kicked too badly. Then the doctor guy who controls the vampires comes in and proceeds to kick the shit out of them. The vampires, not the two guys.
	The slapstick fight scene makes a natural transition into a wonderful scene where they kill a cow! That's right you snuff film enthusiasts, they kill a cow. I'll save you the screenshots, but this is pretty graphic stuff. Judging by the special effects so far, there's no way they had the budget for this level of realism. Unless they spent all their money on some sort of ultra realistic animatronic dying cow. This is the real deal. A lady makes a nice big slice in the gut of the cow, and it twitches while it dies. Then she, rather graphically, stuffs the carcass full of bags of drugs, and sews the gaping wound back up. The whole time this is going on, two men not wearing shirts watch her and laugh. I hope this scene didn't take more than one take to film, because by four or five cow deaths you go past filmmaking and into the director's personal vendetta against cattle. Also, while I was doing this part of the review I left the movie on pause for too long and it turned off, and who do I see but Mr. T on Conan O' Brien! So I took a few shots of his handsome face to replace the ones of the cow corpse.
After that moving scene, they show that vampire doctor guy just sorta hanging out, doing whatever evil doctors do. Then two guys show up, a guy in a suit, and my personal favourite character in the entire movie. I have no idea what his name is or what he does, but you gotta love his RACING sweatshirt! Truly the greatest fashion statement put on film since those thermal bandages from the Fifth Element. Back to the story. Apparently the doctor guy not only has these armies of regular vampires, but he also is making some sort of super vampire for these drug guys. Even though they obviously paid this guy a lot of money to create this super vampire for them, they don't seem to actually believe it's the least bit dangerous. Every time the doc tells them to be careful around it or it'll kill them, they just laugh. Well the doc makes a big dramatic show and then it shows a vampire with some Bubble Yum stuck on it's head. Then there's an explosion (which may have been the bubble on the vampire's head, because he's never seen again) and an ugly white girl flies in on a wire. Of course, I wouldn't blame her too much for being ugly, being in this movie could make Liv Tyler look like... well, Steven Tyler. Plus, you can see right through her shirt!
	Apparently she's a ghost, which is luckily made semi-clear through dialogue, because there are absolutely no visual clues other than a white dress. She starts racing through her dialogue, whining at the doctor guy for taking her lover and turning him into a vampire, making it impossible for them to be together in the afterlife. Although with all her finger waving and head bobbing, she could just as easily be saying, "Don't go there, girlfriend!" The doctor goes on about not approving of interracial relationships or something, then she says another fourteen sentences without a single pause. The doc starts swinging his sword around and the ghost chick points at it and sparks fly off it and it breaks like six inches away from where the sparks came from. Then there's a fight sequence where they put their palms together and push each other back and forth. She hits him with her butt, then the doc wakes his ultimate creation! Peter! Yes, he's just a vampire with a gorilla mask.
She-ghost tries the old "Peter, don't you remember me? It's Christine!" It doesn't work and Peter punches her in the shoulders. Then he strangles her, throws her, punches her some more, and generally beats on her until he notices a tattoo on her leg. They have a touching reunion after Peter hops to her. The doc tells Peter to kill her, but the gangster guy in the suit proves he truly is a softie deep down and tells the doc just to let the couple be together. He arranges for them to get married in exchange that they both become his slaves. Sure, not the best deal, but we're talking about an ugly dead chick and a guy wearing a $2 gorilla mask here, this is like freaking Christmas for them. We rejoin our anti-drug buddies where they are talking about, you guessed it, stopping drugs! Good old Tom says somebody named Sophie told him about a deal going down and he is going to stop it. How does he plan to do this? Well by sticking four guys in the road to wave their arms and yell "Stop!" to the drug jeep of course.
	Instead of maybe turning the jeep around, or driving through one the ten foot gaps between the men, the drug jeep pulls right up to the roadblock, then everyone jumps out and runs into the woods. One of them is our friend the doctor. Tom and co. follow them into the woods, which isn't so much woods as it is a dozen or so trees in the same general vicinity. There's a shootout where nothing much happens. Two anonymous anti-drug agents get shot, then the two drug guys get shot. Everything seems good until we see the doctor opening a mysterious bottle and out come vampires! Apparently, vampires can be bottled. Tom's mustached friend is attacked by a vampire that shoots smoke out of it's sleeves which not only kills Mustachio, but covers his face with face-paint. The doctor opens his bottle again, and this time lets Peter out! Peter swings down from a tree and attacks Tom, then disappears. And I just realized Tom looks just like that Crocodile Hunter guy. Seriously.
Well, Peter beats on Tom for a minute or so, then decided to finish him off by shooting bottle rockets from his sleeves. Tom proceeds to explode, then falls on the ground showing no more damage than if he just ate a bowl of chocolate pudding with his face. The doctor guy hops into the jeep and drives off. Cut to what will soon be revealed as a hospital room. Although, instead of one of those outdated and archaic cardiographs, they have a machine with a flashing plus and minus sign to tell you if the patient is dead or alive. This is just one step up from having some guy standing next to the patient and giving a thumbs up sign. Also, I think the machine's psychic, because it's in an entirely different room than the patient. There's also some guy fiddling with the knobs on a stereo system like he's playing a video game. It shows a woman who obviously doesn't kow CPR trying to resuscitate a body lying on a table. Then, the plus sign goes out and the hundred different beeping machines stop making noise. The doctor shakes his head solemnly. They have lost the patient, which may or may not be Tom. They didn't show his pudding smeared face.
	The doctor and nurse leave, and run into two anti-drug agents in the hall. One of them casually asks, "So, how's Tom?" as if he'd come down with a fever or something, then the nurse tells him it was a fatal wound. With barely a pause, he turns to his anti-drug buddy and the strangest dialogue ever takes place. This is exactly what they said, word for word, I shit you not: "Since Tom's dead, I want to make use of his body to create an android-like robot, Mr. Glen. I would appreciate your approving my application." "Are you assured success?" "Mm-hm." "Alright, your application's approved."
It then shows a montage of that anti-drug guy (these guys never ever take off their uniforms), shoving mechanical parts with flashing lights into a tinfoil cast of someone's ass, holding a drill, and welding nothing in particular, interspersed with shots of the "Are You Dead Or Alive" machine, which goes from showing the minus sign, to showing both the minus sign and the plus sign to showing just the plus sign! That means he's done. We now get our first look at Robocop (or whatever the hell they call him so they don't get sued). Apparently the guy who painted the cover took some artistic liberties, seeing as the Robocop in the movie is just a guy wearing a silver umpire uniform and a helmet covered in duct tape. Also, he does that robot walk which consists of walking very slowly and keeping your elbows bent at 90 degrees.
	Then it shows some sort of training mission or something where RoboTom walks along, then is stopped by two guys with shotguns. So he grabs them by the head and knocks them out. Then he breaks their guns in half. Somebody hands him a gun of his own, and he proceeds to shoot a variety of targets. It goes to a meeting in the woods between the doctor guy and some guy in a denim jacket. Denim Jacket says that there must be a traitor in the drug ring because the drug deal that Tom busted was supposed to be confidential. Unlike the drug deals where they tell the anti-drug agents ahead of time. The doctor comes up with a great idea and says "Inform Mr. Young... that in my opinion... all anti-drug agents... should be terminated! At once." Really, you'd think someone would have thought of that plan before. Denim Jacket says "Yeah." and walks off.
A bunch of guys in a truck drive to a church and start badgering the priest, asking him where the drugs are. The priest says he doesn't know and the truck guys don't believe him. So they start to beat him up. One of the guys knocks over the cross and it falls to the floor, spilling white powder everywhere. He pretends not to notice it fell. Like thirty seconds later somebody realizes it's the drugs. The guys who were formerly beating up the priest prepare to kill him, but are shot before they can do it. A moderately hot girl pops out and shoots two more guys. Then the priest gets shot and somebody wearing the girl's oufit and a short grey wig jumps out of a window. Some more people get shot, she starts to run away, then somebody shoots at her, she turns around and tries to shoot him, only she's out of bullets. She tells him to shoot her and he just smiles.
	The girl gets captured and thrown into a chair. While the bad guy makes his speech to her, she rubs her head vigorously. Also, her hair all of a sudden gets soaking wet. Not being able to resist all the head-rubbing, the bad guy decides to rape her. As soon as he gets near her, she attacks, headbutting him then taking a menacing stance. All the while, the bad guy doesn't stop going "hehehe". Although I must admit he has a winning smile. He backs her into a corner and tears off her clothes. It goes back to those two guys that talked in the hospital hallway. The one guy asks the other how the experiment is doing. The other guy says good. The first guy tells him that Sophie (moderately hot girl) has been captured. He says if the experiment is a success, to assign him the mission. During this whole scene, there is a calendar of a woman in a wedding gown in the background. It really shows you a side of the anti-drug agents you hadn't seen before. One you probably don't want to see. Of course, these guys wear army fatigues 24 hours a day and reanimate corpses for fun, so I think there are bigger things to worry about than a bridal calendar.
One more strike against the anti-drug agents, this guy is their boss. He hires some guy to save Sophie in a particularly uneventful scene. Then there's a scene where RoboTom busts a bunch of guys with a table covered in drugs. They pull their guns on him, and he tells them to put them down. So they do. That's the entire scene. Seriously. It goes to the doctor and Denim Jacket walking through the woods followed by guys carrying boxes. I assume they're full of drugs, as everything else in this movie (including the director) seems to be. They're stopped by some anti-drug agents, who ask them where they're going. They sit there for a second going "umm..." and then tell them they're going to the factory over there. The anti-drug agent asks for their ID and as he's checking them, the doctor releases a vampire from a bottle. The vampire shoots the anti-drug agent with smoke and we are treated to yet another shot of a dead guy wearing face-paint. Then Peter jumps out of nowhere, shooting bottle rockets in the back of the other two agents. The doctor and Denim jacket nod at each other approvingly. But wait! Here comes RoboTom!
For the exciting conclusion... ONTO PART 2!